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My last post was on January 31 and now it is May 19! Since then, with exception of a few days in March, one good week in April in one great week in May, I have spent the greater part of my time housebound, my body in unrelenting pain. Winter melted into Spring and passed me by. The isolation has been equally hard to bear as the pain and I have really struggled in my faith.
When my severe Interstitial Cystitis began to improve with the help of medication 2 weeks ago, I resumed life as usual, but had an underlying unresolved issue spiritually. The truth is that I still did not have victory over this great trial in my life. I even continued to blame God for the pain I suffered in the past. All the while praising Him for the relief He had just blessed me with. I could not look back on all those years that my body was riddled with excruciating pain and admit that it was for my good or that God had used it for His purpose. I allowed bitterness to creep its ugly self into my heart and in between my relationship with my Creator. I felt terribly wronged by my circumstances and the years stolen from me. Can you hear it? It was all about ME.............I had never surrendered my everything to God. I desperately held on to the "unfairness" I felt in those lost years. I stubbornly insisted that He had the power to heal me (or at least dull the pain) and was refusing to hear my cry for help. I even thought He should be merciful to me, His child, and just end my miserable existence on earth. I refused to accept even the possibility that my infirmity was a part of His plan for my life. I scoffed at remarks people gave me about God remaining faithful through my suffering etc.....and even though I would never wish this upon anyone, I entertained the thought that if they could experience my suffering for even just a day, then I would like to hear their thoughts concerning God sustaining power.
8 yrs. ago, when I was healed and my pain was finally stablized through medication, I praised Him with my lips but did not fully live for Him. My loyalty was always based on the notion that God could do ANYTHING to me, take away EVERYTHING I loved and cherished but if He allowed me to suffer physically in this way again I could not and I would not be able to bear it. It was an area too raw and painful to let Him have.
I loved God's law but I didn't love Him - I was angry at Him and had been for a long time. I can have all the convictions in the world but if I have not surrendered my all fully to Him, it means nothing. I have been so wrong - my heart is so depraved. Jesus forgave my deepest sin through His precious shed blood. I do not "deserve" anything and God can do whatever He wills with my life because it is not MY life it is His to bring Him glory! My own happiness and contentment are nothing! Even though I "feel" I would be able to better serve Him without this infirmity - that is a lie I have believed and a sin I needed to repent of and confess here in my blog.
How many months I wasted peering out of my window with envy at those able to walk around my neighborhood instead of praying for them! I have coveted the lives of others who have the physical strength to homeschool their children and be Godly wives and helpmeets to their husbands. I was even guilty of not submitting to my husband, who was directing me to be patient and wait upon the Lord instead of continuing on my quest to find the key that would take away my pain. My pride kept rearing it's ugly head saying, "You would have a sense of urgency too Anthony if it was you experiencing this - I can guarentee that you would not be saying lets be patient and continue to wait it out!" My spiritual condition was pretty low, huh? I reasoned and justified my unholy thoughts by saying "All I want to do is take care of my family - isn't that what I have been created for by God as a woman?" "Shouldn't I be able to participate in a weekly church service not lie in this bed?" I am grateful that God loved me enough to not leave me in this condition and that He used the Holy Spirit to convict me and bring to my attention the fact that I had much dirt in my heart that needed to be swept out.
One week ago I could feel the pain appearing again and knew that I was again about to confront my greatest earthly fear. Instead of begging God to stop this, to heal me, I instead fell to my knees. Broken and humbled I begged for God's grace to see me through this - that His strength be evident through own my weakness.
It is still not easy for me to say that I WILL choose follow Jesus and serve Him wholeheartedly even if it is through a life of pain. I still cry out to God day and night but now it is to save me from the SIN that hinders me.........not the pain. I depend on His strength alone to keep my mind and my heart. I need the continual work of the Holy Spirit to convict and change me. Even still my flesh and human feeble mind cannot at this point fathom a life filled with unending pain. If I am truly saved the evidence will be the way I live. My prayer is that in spite of my flesh and all it's wickedness may God keep me faithful until the end through His power alone until I am united with Him eternally in Heaven. His salvation is the source of my joy and I hope it is that to you also sisters and brothers in Christ. May we never lose sight of that!
The Bible reminds us in 1 Corinthians 15:19 that we would be miserable if there were only earthly value to Christianity. It is says "And if we have hope in Christ only for this life, we are the most miserable people in the world."
"Our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!" 2 Corinthians 4:17
"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness,we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another,and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin" 1 John 1:5-7
When my severe Interstitial Cystitis began to improve with the help of medication 2 weeks ago, I resumed life as usual, but had an underlying unresolved issue spiritually. The truth is that I still did not have victory over this great trial in my life. I even continued to blame God for the pain I suffered in the past. All the while praising Him for the relief He had just blessed me with. I could not look back on all those years that my body was riddled with excruciating pain and admit that it was for my good or that God had used it for His purpose. I allowed bitterness to creep its ugly self into my heart and in between my relationship with my Creator. I felt terribly wronged by my circumstances and the years stolen from me. Can you hear it? It was all about ME.............I had never surrendered my everything to God. I desperately held on to the "unfairness" I felt in those lost years. I stubbornly insisted that He had the power to heal me (or at least dull the pain) and was refusing to hear my cry for help. I even thought He should be merciful to me, His child, and just end my miserable existence on earth. I refused to accept even the possibility that my infirmity was a part of His plan for my life. I scoffed at remarks people gave me about God remaining faithful through my suffering etc.....and even though I would never wish this upon anyone, I entertained the thought that if they could experience my suffering for even just a day, then I would like to hear their thoughts concerning God sustaining power.
8 yrs. ago, when I was healed and my pain was finally stablized through medication, I praised Him with my lips but did not fully live for Him. My loyalty was always based on the notion that God could do ANYTHING to me, take away EVERYTHING I loved and cherished but if He allowed me to suffer physically in this way again I could not and I would not be able to bear it. It was an area too raw and painful to let Him have.
I loved God's law but I didn't love Him - I was angry at Him and had been for a long time. I can have all the convictions in the world but if I have not surrendered my all fully to Him, it means nothing. I have been so wrong - my heart is so depraved. Jesus forgave my deepest sin through His precious shed blood. I do not "deserve" anything and God can do whatever He wills with my life because it is not MY life it is His to bring Him glory! My own happiness and contentment are nothing! Even though I "feel" I would be able to better serve Him without this infirmity - that is a lie I have believed and a sin I needed to repent of and confess here in my blog.
How many months I wasted peering out of my window with envy at those able to walk around my neighborhood instead of praying for them! I have coveted the lives of others who have the physical strength to homeschool their children and be Godly wives and helpmeets to their husbands. I was even guilty of not submitting to my husband, who was directing me to be patient and wait upon the Lord instead of continuing on my quest to find the key that would take away my pain. My pride kept rearing it's ugly head saying, "You would have a sense of urgency too Anthony if it was you experiencing this - I can guarentee that you would not be saying lets be patient and continue to wait it out!" My spiritual condition was pretty low, huh? I reasoned and justified my unholy thoughts by saying "All I want to do is take care of my family - isn't that what I have been created for by God as a woman?" "Shouldn't I be able to participate in a weekly church service not lie in this bed?" I am grateful that God loved me enough to not leave me in this condition and that He used the Holy Spirit to convict me and bring to my attention the fact that I had much dirt in my heart that needed to be swept out.
One week ago I could feel the pain appearing again and knew that I was again about to confront my greatest earthly fear. Instead of begging God to stop this, to heal me, I instead fell to my knees. Broken and humbled I begged for God's grace to see me through this - that His strength be evident through own my weakness.
It is still not easy for me to say that I WILL choose follow Jesus and serve Him wholeheartedly even if it is through a life of pain. I still cry out to God day and night but now it is to save me from the SIN that hinders me.........not the pain. I depend on His strength alone to keep my mind and my heart. I need the continual work of the Holy Spirit to convict and change me. Even still my flesh and human feeble mind cannot at this point fathom a life filled with unending pain. If I am truly saved the evidence will be the way I live. My prayer is that in spite of my flesh and all it's wickedness may God keep me faithful until the end through His power alone until I am united with Him eternally in Heaven. His salvation is the source of my joy and I hope it is that to you also sisters and brothers in Christ. May we never lose sight of that!
The Bible reminds us in 1 Corinthians 15:19 that we would be miserable if there were only earthly value to Christianity. It is says "And if we have hope in Christ only for this life, we are the most miserable people in the world."
"Our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!" 2 Corinthians 4:17
"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness,we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another,and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin" 1 John 1:5-7
