When Will The Trials End? (Keeping it Real!)

Update - Our 1 1/2 year old kitty, Sweet Tea, died from Hypertropic Cardiomyopthia, a genetic heart condition that we were unaware he had. I was again in disbelief that we were being hit with more calamity.

I woke up 01/23 with excruciating pain. My I.C. has flared again and I have begun instillation treatments for 6 wks. Instills are where medication (Elmiron) and steroids are put directly in to your bladder. This is supposed to help after the 4th treatment or so. I have only had 2, and it takes the edge off the pain until I have to urinate. Then it becomes unbearable again. My urologist has put me on Elmiron, but it takes 4-6mo. to start to see any results. Meanwhile the side effects aren't exactly "fun". I am on what seems like a gazillion medications now. I remember that just a month and a half ago a doctor had commented on how amazed he was with the fact that with all of my medical "problems" I was only on 2 meds. Now I have own one of those enormous pill organizers :(

As I wrote 2 posts ago, this form of suffering is very taxing, and I struggle with frequent bouts of utter despair. My feeble human mind can't understand "WHY?" this is happening again, and especially at a time like this! The amount of stress my situation puts on my husband makes me fear his cancer will reoccur. I try to hide my sobbing from the pain, as to not upset my family, but I fail miserably. I have cried more in the last week than I probably did as a newborn. I hate that my boys have to see me this way. Getting through one day is an accomplishment.I cling to all the blessings these past months have brought and to my memories of a happy time. Today, while lying in bed, God blessed me to be able to do one subject with the boys. It takes me back to when Kamden was a baby, and the all the ways I had to learn how to cope.

I make it a point to be transparent in my blog, so I must include that after a particularly awful 2 days I had to have my husband hide my pain pills (which don't work very well, by the way) because the overwhelming need to escape the pain was so great. I have had to force myself read God's Word - I fear my heart will grow hard if I don't. Bitterness can creep in so easily, and that is something I don't want to happen! Psalm 73:26 says, "My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever."

I want more than anything to get back to teaching, cooking, cleaning & caring for my boys. For now though, I am confined to my bed, along with hanging out in my tub filled with piping hot water A LOT to try and ease the pain. I struggle to see that any good could possibly come from THIS, but THIS is where God has me. I set small goals like getting through one hour of pain at at time. I hate that I am in too much pain to even have a friend come over to visit. I miss my friends, and opportunities to fellowship with other families, but life continues to go on with or without me. I wonder how long this will last.....

Please pray that God would heal my body from pain, and that A's cancer would not reoccur. The pathology report came back saying there was no cancer found in the bone, but there was Perineurval cancer. Cancer of the nerves gives me an unsettled feeling. Anthony chose not to have radiation right now (made the decision before I got sick) but we will re-evaluate after his next MRI in March. We had started eating a "Raw" diet, but since I haven't been able to cook etc....that has been put on hold. I feel terribly about this, but sometimes circumstances plain interfere with plans.

We are always confident......for we live by believing and not seeing. ~ 2 Cor.5:6-7
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